Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Sunday, October 20, 2013
On Baby Advice and Putting a Foot in my Mouth...What I Wish I Had Said
Today, I was at a beautiful and traditional American baby shower. These events are typically ripe with stories of sharing between moms and advice flows like a river.
After the gifts had been opened and women were chatting before departing, I heard the beautiful mother of a six month old boy say that, "the best advice [she] has received as a mom came from [her] pediatrician who told her to just let [her baby] cry it out, ” I was so astonished that I did my usual foot-in-mouth procedure and said a couple of sincere, but disappointing things while telling a terrible and unnecessary story.
In retrospect, there is much that I *wish* I had said. Here is some of it: First, I am terribly sorry that our society has collectively failed you as a new mom. This is a very difficult journey even with great advice. Your pediatrician meant well, I am sure. However, most pediatricians have very little training in infant nutrition, breastfeeding and development. Your son is about six months old. He is likely in the midst of the usual six month growth spurt. He should be demanding more nutrition to keep up with his growing body and while he is growing and learning these new skills, his sleep may be restless. His muscles, his brain and his small tummy have a lot to figure out. His only tool for communication right now is his cry. He is not "manipulating" you. He is asking for you to meet his needs with the only tool that he has. Meanwhile, one of his needs is night-time (breast)feeding. When he cries at night until he falls asleep, he isn't learning that you are the boss who won't be "manipulated." He is learning that no matter what he does no one will respond, so he gives up. He feels helpless.
Often, this terrible cycle starts at a growth spurt. The usual infant growth spurts occur around 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months and 6 months. At these times, babies need to feed ( breastfeed, bottle /formula feed or nurse) much more often. If a parent has implemented a feeding schedule or sleep schedule which prevents on-demand feeding, then baby will usually be fussy because of hunger. If breastfeeding is taking place, then mom's supply may begin to dwindle because breastmilk is created on a supply/demand basis and baby isn't being permitted to put an adequate demand in with mom. In cultures such as this, it is typical for baby to then receive a "wellness check" with a pediatrician where baby often shows "inadequate weight gain" or weight loss and baby may be labeled as FTT or "failure to thrive." Then, the mother is told by the pediatrician (who has little to no training in lactation) that she needs to supplement her "inadequate" breastmilk with formula. This suggestion only further negatively impacts the already damaged breastfeeding relationship and a downward spiral occurs where the breastmilk supply diminishes as it is replaced with formula. If sleep training methods are still being used, then baby will often continue to struggle as his immature gut is small and formula is harder to digest and less-efficient. If the volume of formula/foods or breastmilk doesn't increase adequately, then baby may continue to struggle. If your baby is exclusively breastfed, always be sure to confirm that your pediatrician is using the WHO growth charts for breastfed babies. Exclusively breastfed babies should not be compared in terms of growth to their formula-fed counterparts on the same charts. Those charts can be found here.
None of this is said with malice. It really saddens me to hear how some authors and caregivers have impacted so many new moms in this way. I am sad, not just because these babies have something to say, but because of how it will impact them in the long-term. It is a matter of perspective. When a baby takes a toy or spoon and throws it to the ground and then we pick it up and they do it again, some people see the baby and think that they are being ornery or disobedient when we tell then to stop. Instead of looking at it as something that they are doing *to us* or in *defiance* we could/should see it as a great learning experience for them and, sometimes, as a way for them to communicate with us. They may be learning the natural laws of gravity and they may be fascinated by it. They may be communicating that they are finished with their meal or that they do not want the item which they are tossing away. When they are fussing or crying or watching your face for a reaction, they are communicating with you and learning from that communication.
Babies are learning from the environment around them. They are learning from their caregivers. They learn when we are responsive to their communications and their needs. When we respond to them, we empower them. We teach them that they have the tools to meet their needs. As they grow up, they will believe that if they act, they can accomplish what needs to be accomplished. To "sleep train" or "cry it out" only teaches helplessness. There is no such thing as self-soothing to an infant. These babies feel as if what they do doesn't matter, their needs won't be met.. So they stop crying. Instead of ignoring their cries, I say, "pay attention." Try to figure it out. What is your baby trying to communicate with you. Is he hungry, wet, cold, warm, lonely, in pain, tired or something else. Listen. Know what is *normal* for infant development. Sometimes it is very hard, especially when we are very tired. But, I assure you, babies don't cry with mal-intent. Meet your baby's needs. Communicate with them. Respond to them. They will love you for it.
After the gifts had been opened and women were chatting before departing, I heard the beautiful mother of a six month old boy say that, "the best advice [she] has received as a mom came from [her] pediatrician who told her to just let [her baby] cry it out, ” I was so astonished that I did my usual foot-in-mouth procedure and said a couple of sincere, but disappointing things while telling a terrible and unnecessary story.
In retrospect, there is much that I *wish* I had said. Here is some of it: First, I am terribly sorry that our society has collectively failed you as a new mom. This is a very difficult journey even with great advice. Your pediatrician meant well, I am sure. However, most pediatricians have very little training in infant nutrition, breastfeeding and development. Your son is about six months old. He is likely in the midst of the usual six month growth spurt. He should be demanding more nutrition to keep up with his growing body and while he is growing and learning these new skills, his sleep may be restless. His muscles, his brain and his small tummy have a lot to figure out. His only tool for communication right now is his cry. He is not "manipulating" you. He is asking for you to meet his needs with the only tool that he has. Meanwhile, one of his needs is night-time (breast)feeding. When he cries at night until he falls asleep, he isn't learning that you are the boss who won't be "manipulated." He is learning that no matter what he does no one will respond, so he gives up. He feels helpless.
Often, this terrible cycle starts at a growth spurt. The usual infant growth spurts occur around 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months and 6 months. At these times, babies need to feed ( breastfeed, bottle /formula feed or nurse) much more often. If a parent has implemented a feeding schedule or sleep schedule which prevents on-demand feeding, then baby will usually be fussy because of hunger. If breastfeeding is taking place, then mom's supply may begin to dwindle because breastmilk is created on a supply/demand basis and baby isn't being permitted to put an adequate demand in with mom. In cultures such as this, it is typical for baby to then receive a "wellness check" with a pediatrician where baby often shows "inadequate weight gain" or weight loss and baby may be labeled as FTT or "failure to thrive." Then, the mother is told by the pediatrician (who has little to no training in lactation) that she needs to supplement her "inadequate" breastmilk with formula. This suggestion only further negatively impacts the already damaged breastfeeding relationship and a downward spiral occurs where the breastmilk supply diminishes as it is replaced with formula. If sleep training methods are still being used, then baby will often continue to struggle as his immature gut is small and formula is harder to digest and less-efficient. If the volume of formula/foods or breastmilk doesn't increase adequately, then baby may continue to struggle. If your baby is exclusively breastfed, always be sure to confirm that your pediatrician is using the WHO growth charts for breastfed babies. Exclusively breastfed babies should not be compared in terms of growth to their formula-fed counterparts on the same charts. Those charts can be found here.
None of this is said with malice. It really saddens me to hear how some authors and caregivers have impacted so many new moms in this way. I am sad, not just because these babies have something to say, but because of how it will impact them in the long-term. It is a matter of perspective. When a baby takes a toy or spoon and throws it to the ground and then we pick it up and they do it again, some people see the baby and think that they are being ornery or disobedient when we tell then to stop. Instead of looking at it as something that they are doing *to us* or in *defiance* we could/should see it as a great learning experience for them and, sometimes, as a way for them to communicate with us. They may be learning the natural laws of gravity and they may be fascinated by it. They may be communicating that they are finished with their meal or that they do not want the item which they are tossing away. When they are fussing or crying or watching your face for a reaction, they are communicating with you and learning from that communication.
Babies are learning from the environment around them. They are learning from their caregivers. They learn when we are responsive to their communications and their needs. When we respond to them, we empower them. We teach them that they have the tools to meet their needs. As they grow up, they will believe that if they act, they can accomplish what needs to be accomplished. To "sleep train" or "cry it out" only teaches helplessness. There is no such thing as self-soothing to an infant. These babies feel as if what they do doesn't matter, their needs won't be met.. So they stop crying. Instead of ignoring their cries, I say, "pay attention." Try to figure it out. What is your baby trying to communicate with you. Is he hungry, wet, cold, warm, lonely, in pain, tired or something else. Listen. Know what is *normal* for infant development. Sometimes it is very hard, especially when we are very tired. But, I assure you, babies don't cry with mal-intent. Meet your baby's needs. Communicate with them. Respond to them. They will love you for it.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Circumcision and its Personal Effects: WARNING: This content is sexual in nature and cannot be unread
WARNING: This content is sexual in nature and cannot be unread. Read at your discretion, and no complaints to me about TMI after the fact:
My husband and I have had a sexual relationship for almost 10 years. In that time, we have gone from late teens (me) to adulthood and from the "honeymoon phase" to "married with a baby." Once we started having sex, with little exception until I was pregnant we had sex several times per week on average. Once I became pregnant, sex was uncomfortable and often painful for me up until my son was about 6 months old. During that period, we rarely had sex because of the pain and discomfort I frequently experienced. (I'd estimate that we went from several times per week to about 1-2x per month.)
That said, my husband had has the misfortune of only orgasming from intercourse maybe 25% of the time when we are intimate. He has no trouble reaching an erection, but his sensitivity is so diminished that an orgasm is often beyond reach. Before we learned about the function of the foreskin, the sensitivity and concentration of nerve endings, and other details about the part of his body amputated as an infant, we knew that his sensitivity was much less than other men have described, but we didn't realize that it is likely the result of his circumcision.
I have often heard men say things like:
"I can't imagine being more sensitive."
"If I were more sensitive, I'd have problems with coming before my partner."
"I've never heard a man complain about being circumcised as an infant."
"He/I doesn't know what he/I lost, so we/I can't miss it."
My husband's circumcision, we believe, has had a profoundly negative impact on our relationship. (Let that sink in for a moment....especially if you're inclined to think I don't have a right to an opinion on the matter given that it isn't my body and I'm not a man...)
25%...That means that 75% of the time we are intimate, my husband is unable to achieve orgasm with me. I have tried, I have cried, I have thrown up my hands (metaphorically) and given up. I have felt inadequate, unattractive and so much more. My husband is not unaccustomed to putting a good 1/2-1 full hour of HARD work to achieve orgasm, only to give up. He used to get frustrated with me because I wasn't physically fit enough to put in the amount of work required for him to climax. Think on that. Could you do "the hard part" for 45 minutes or more?
Most of my friends and family know that we did not conceive for 3.5 years with no birth control or other barrier methods. We loosely practiced "natural family planning" by not allowing him to orgasm inside me when I was likely ovulating, but that was hardly a stretch because it rarely happened. Most of my close friends have also heard us jokingly refer to Asstinence. Asstinence in our household was sometimes called a method of birth control. In reality, it is often the only route left to try to orgasm.
I used to think that my husband had an attractive penis, as penises go. Now, I look at it differently. The slight curve makes me wonder if it does that because so much of his foreskin was removed that he was unable to grow to the intended length imprinted on his DNA once he reached puberty. I see the soft, but dry skin and know that there is no movement and there's a constant need of lubrication which only I can provide, or we must provide artificially because his mucous membranes were cut off. I experience friction and pain during intercourse and envy women whose partners are intact. I look at male or female genetalia and I think, "attractiveness is not the point."
I love my husband very dearly. (and I feel sorry for him, too...for us.) Now, rather than blaming myself for perceived inadequacies or feeling frustration when NOTHING I TRY WILL WORK. ...now... I try harder. Now, I try to love him better.
We understand the difference between love making and just "sex." We've had much of both in our relationship. It is unfortunate, though when both partners can't enjoy sex to its fullest extent. I wish my husband could feel what I feel when we are together and not just in his heart and mind, but in his body, too. I believe something sacred was taken from him and no amount of restoration will entirely replace it.
There is a measure of variance in the amount of foreskin and thus nerve endings and volume of skin removed on babies/men. This video explains some of the variance and reasons for it.
The variance from one male to the other explains why there are men like my husband and there are men with "no complaints." Do you know which side of the fence your son will fall on?
When the US has the world's highest rate of circumcision (amongst industrialized nations) It seems to me no surprise that the US holds the majority of the market, by far, for prescriptions of Viagra (47% of the world market) and other ED drugs...As well as the majority of the market for artificial lubricants and a very high rate of infertility, comparatively speaking. Can you tell me if the fertility in your family hasn't been affected by the lack of ejaculation?
This article explains (amongst other things) the reason why men with foreskins don't have a problem with premature ejaculation. (In response to the common: "I don't know what I'd do if I were more sensitive.")
Together, my husband and I mourn the loss of 60-80% of the sexually sensitive nerve endings in his penis. We mourn the sexual life we could have had and grieve for the babies who are still put under the knife for no good reason. We understand the damage that can be done on both sides of a relationship when things don't work as they should. I no longer hold myself accountable for his lack of responsiveness and he doesn't hold me accountable, either.
He isn't angry at his Mother for the decision she made, nor at our friends for their decisions. We, together, are angry at the society and medical professionals who continue to perpetuate the myths that support male genital mutilation. We believe our friends and family have been made victims of this society and we hope that by spreading some knowledge we will save some sons. We hope that by sharing our story, you will look closely at the choice before making it. After all, you are making the choice for him...and it is HIS body.
Now, we wish we had known these things sooner. Had we known, we may have saved ourselves a lot of arguments, and tears and loved each other better. I wish I hadn't given up on so many of those late nights. I wish I had understood that it wasn't my fault. I wish I had loved him better. Now, I hope that I can love him better.
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