WARNING: This content is sexual in nature and cannot be unread. Read at your discretion, and no complaints to me about TMI after the fact:
My husband and I have had a sexual relationship for almost 10 years. In that time, we have gone from late teens (me) to adulthood and from the "honeymoon phase" to "married with a baby." Once we started having sex, with little exception until I was pregnant we had sex several times per week on average. Once I became pregnant, sex was uncomfortable and often painful for me up until my son was about 6 months old. During that period, we rarely had sex because of the pain and discomfort I frequently experienced. (I'd estimate that we went from several times per week to about 1-2x per month.)
That said, my husband had has the misfortune of only orgasming from intercourse maybe 25% of the time when we are intimate. He has no trouble reaching an erection, but his sensitivity is so diminished that an orgasm is often beyond reach. Before we learned about the function of the foreskin, the sensitivity and concentration of nerve endings, and other details about the part of his body amputated as an infant, we knew that his sensitivity was much less than other men have described, but we didn't realize that it is likely the result of his circumcision.
I have often heard men say things like:
"I can't imagine being more sensitive."
"If I were more sensitive, I'd have problems with coming before my partner."
"I've never heard a man complain about being circumcised as an infant."
"He/I doesn't know what he/I lost, so we/I can't miss it."
My husband's circumcision, we believe, has had a profoundly negative impact on our relationship. (Let that sink in for a moment....especially if you're inclined to think I don't have a right to an opinion on the matter given that it isn't my body and I'm not a man...)
25%...That means that 75% of the time we are intimate, my husband is unable to achieve orgasm with me. I have tried, I have cried, I have thrown up my hands (metaphorically) and given up. I have felt inadequate, unattractive and so much more. My husband is not unaccustomed to putting a good 1/2-1 full hour of HARD work to achieve orgasm, only to give up. He used to get frustrated with me because I wasn't physically fit enough to put in the amount of work required for him to climax. Think on that. Could you do "the hard part" for 45 minutes or more?
Most of my friends and family know that we did not conceive for 3.5 years with no birth control or other barrier methods. We loosely practiced "natural family planning" by not allowing him to orgasm inside me when I was likely ovulating, but that was hardly a stretch because it rarely happened. Most of my close friends have also heard us jokingly refer to Asstinence. Asstinence in our household was sometimes called a method of birth control. In reality, it is often the only route left to try to orgasm.
I used to think that my husband had an attractive penis, as penises go. Now, I look at it differently. The slight curve makes me wonder if it does that because so much of his foreskin was removed that he was unable to grow to the intended length imprinted on his DNA once he reached puberty. I see the soft, but dry skin and know that there is no movement and there's a constant need of lubrication which only I can provide, or we must provide artificially because his mucous membranes were cut off. I experience friction and pain during intercourse and envy women whose partners are intact. I look at male or female genetalia and I think, "attractiveness is not the point."
I love my husband very dearly. (and I feel sorry for him, too...for us.) Now, rather than blaming myself for perceived inadequacies or feeling frustration when NOTHING I TRY WILL WORK. ...now... I try harder. Now, I try to love him better.
We understand the difference between love making and just "sex." We've had much of both in our relationship. It is unfortunate, though when both partners can't enjoy sex to its fullest extent. I wish my husband could feel what I feel when we are together and not just in his heart and mind, but in his body, too. I believe something sacred was taken from him and no amount of restoration will entirely replace it.
There is a measure of variance in the amount of foreskin and thus nerve endings and volume of skin removed on babies/men. This video explains some of the variance and reasons for it.
The variance from one male to the other explains why there are men like my husband and there are men with "no complaints." Do you know which side of the fence your son will fall on?
When the US has the world's highest rate of circumcision (amongst industrialized nations) It seems to me no surprise that the US holds the majority of the market, by far, for prescriptions of Viagra (47% of the world market) and other ED drugs...As well as the majority of the market for artificial lubricants and a very high rate of infertility, comparatively speaking. Can you tell me if the fertility in your family hasn't been affected by the lack of ejaculation?
This article explains (amongst other things) the reason why men with foreskins don't have a problem with premature ejaculation. (In response to the common: "I don't know what I'd do if I were more sensitive.")
Together, my husband and I mourn the loss of 60-80% of the sexually sensitive nerve endings in his penis. We mourn the sexual life we could have had and grieve for the babies who are still put under the knife for no good reason. We understand the damage that can be done on both sides of a relationship when things don't work as they should. I no longer hold myself accountable for his lack of responsiveness and he doesn't hold me accountable, either.
He isn't angry at his Mother for the decision she made, nor at our friends for their decisions. We, together, are angry at the society and medical professionals who continue to perpetuate the myths that support male genital mutilation. We believe our friends and family have been made victims of this society and we hope that by spreading some knowledge we will save some sons. We hope that by sharing our story, you will look closely at the choice before making it. After all, you are making the choice for him...and it is HIS body.
Now, we wish we had known these things sooner. Had we known, we may have saved ourselves a lot of arguments, and tears and loved each other better. I wish I hadn't given up on so many of those late nights. I wish I had understood that it wasn't my fault. I wish I had loved him better. Now, I hope that I can love him better.
Attractiveness is most definitely NOT the point! Especially given that throughout the history of our species, sexual acts took place in darkness, under an animal skin.
ReplyDeleteYour story is a sad one, all right, and it is not right that this has happened to you both. The villains are the medical school profs who teach medical students to circumcise, even though there is no research on the possible adverse consequences of infant circumcision for adult sexual pleasure and expression.
And you most definitely are entitled to form and express an opinion about this tender topic, because you are an end user! Circumcision not affects what you experience during penetrative sex, it also affects how the penis responds to foreplay with your fingers, and hence the satisfaction you experience from giving foreplay.
Even though I am intact, I too have had occasional difficulty climaxing and much of my glans no longer has much feeling. But these facts don't bother me at all, and I cheerfully stop after my wife has come 3-4x. We are well past childbearing age and I still masturbate a lot.
But what do I draw from all this? That the great sensitivity I had at 15 or 30 is not at all surplus to requirements now that I am over 60. I relish every millimeter of ridged band and frenulum. Without them, I would probably find sex quite dull.
I am intact because my immigrant mother was revolted by American circumcision, even though my father was cut. I grew up feeling very self-conscious. But now I am deeply grateful that I have all the factory-installed moving parts, and that my wife gets to enjoy those parts as well. As she once put it "I like my johnson peeled, but not prepeeled."
I think you are amazing. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteFH, you are far more amazing than I am. Intactivist women like yourself are breaking new ground in sexual candor.
ReplyDeleteThe desire to circumcise requires a gravely defective understand of sexual acts and human passion. In my opinion, intactivism is about completing the sex education of the typical American couple of childbearing age. It is women like yourself who are advancing human knowledge here, by "going where no woman has gone before" and talking candidly about their difficulties in the marital bedroom. It is supremely ironic, of course, that women like yourself have become the penis experts. But this is consistent with what I have written before elsewhere, namely that intactivism is an offshoot of sex positive feminism. I have found strength and inspiration in the writings of Betty Dodson.