On Baby Advice and Putting a Foot in my Mouth...What I Wish I Had Said

Today, I was at a beautiful and traditional American baby shower. These events are typically ripe with stories of sharing between moms and advice flows like a river.

After the gifts had been opened and women were chatting before departing, I heard the beautiful mother of a six month old boy say that, "the best advice [she] has received as a mom came from [her] pediatrician who told her to just let [her baby] cry it out, ” I was so astonished that I did my usual foot-in-mouth procedure and said a couple of sincere, but disappointing things while telling a terrible and unnecessary story.

In retrospect, there is much that I *wish* I had said. Here is some of it: First, I am terribly sorry that our society has collectively failed you as a new mom.  This is a very difficult journey even with great advice. Your pediatrician meant well, I am sure. However, most pediatricians have very little training in infant nutrition, breastfeeding and development. Your son is about six months old. He is likely in the midst of the usual six month growth spurt. He should be demanding more nutrition to keep up with his growing body and while he is growing and learning these new skills, his sleep may be restless. His muscles, his brain and his small tummy have a lot to figure out. His only tool for communication right now is his cry. He is not "manipulating" you. He is asking for you to meet his needs with the only tool that he has. Meanwhile, one of his needs is night-time (breast)feeding. When he cries at night until he falls asleep, he isn't learning that you are the boss who won't be "manipulated." He is learning that no matter what he does no one will respond, so he gives up. He feels helpless.

Often, this terrible cycle starts at a growth spurt. The usual infant growth spurts occur around 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months and 6 months. At these times, babies need to feed ( breastfeed, bottle /formula feed or nurse) much more often. If a parent has implemented a feeding schedule or sleep schedule which prevents on-demand feeding, then baby will usually be fussy because of hunger. If breastfeeding is taking place, then mom's supply may begin to dwindle because breastmilk is created on a supply/demand basis and baby isn't being permitted to put an adequate demand in with mom. In cultures such as this, it is typical for baby to then receive a "wellness check" with a pediatrician where baby often shows "inadequate weight gain" or weight loss and baby may be labeled as FTT or "failure to thrive." Then, the mother is told by the pediatrician (who has little to no training in lactation) that she needs to supplement her "inadequate" breastmilk with formula. This suggestion only further negatively impacts the already damaged breastfeeding relationship and a downward spiral occurs where the breastmilk supply diminishes as it is replaced with formula. If sleep training methods are still being used, then baby will often continue to struggle as his immature gut is small and formula is harder to digest and less-efficient. If the volume of formula/foods or breastmilk doesn't increase adequately, then baby may continue to struggle. If your baby is exclusively breastfed, always be sure to confirm that your pediatrician is using the WHO growth charts for breastfed babies. Exclusively breastfed babies should not be compared in terms of growth to their formula-fed counterparts on the same charts. Those charts can be found here.

None of this is said with malice. It really saddens me to hear how some authors and caregivers have impacted so many new moms in this way. I am sad, not just because these babies have something to say, but because of how it will impact them in the long-term. It is a matter of perspective. When a baby takes a toy or spoon and throws it to the ground and then we pick it up and they do it again, some people see the baby and think that they are being ornery or disobedient when we tell then to stop. Instead of looking at it as something that they are doing *to us* or in *defiance* we could/should see it as a great learning experience for them and, sometimes, as a way for them to communicate with us. They may be learning the natural laws of gravity and they may be fascinated by it. They may be communicating that they are finished with their meal or that they do not want the item which they are tossing away. When they are fussing or crying or watching your face for a reaction, they are communicating with you and learning from that communication.

Babies are learning from the environment around them. They are learning from their caregivers. They learn when we are responsive to their communications and their needs. When we respond to them, we empower them. We teach them that they have the tools to meet their needs. As they grow up, they will believe that if they act, they can accomplish what needs to be accomplished. To "sleep train" or "cry it out" only teaches helplessness. There is no such thing as self-soothing to an infant. These babies feel as if what they do doesn't matter, their needs won't be met.. So they stop crying. Instead of ignoring their cries, I say, "pay attention." Try to figure it out. What is your baby trying to communicate with you. Is he hungry, wet, cold, warm, lonely, in pain, tired or something else. Listen. Know what is *normal* for infant development. Sometimes it is very hard, especially when we are very tired. But, I assure you, babies don't cry with mal-intent.  Meet your baby's needs. Communicate with them. Respond to them. They will love you for it.